7:30 AM — MOMMY awakes from a surprisingly deep sleep to find MR. PANTS apparently vanished. Calling for him inside and outside eventually brings him out of hiding. A small smear of chocolate is visible at the right corner of his mouth.
MR. PANTS: Mommy! I have something to tell you! A little boy came in our house last night and climbed up and got our Halloween candy and ate it under the chair! Come see! He left little pieces of chocolate on the floor!
MOMMY: [maintains placid silence]
MR. PANTS: He lives here! He doesn't live in our house, but he lives here. I'll show you. [runs to the back window and points] He lives over there!
MOMMY: [maintains placid silence]
MR. PANTS: It wasn't me.
8:30 AM — Departure for school. MR. PANTS — still in pajamas, bare feet, and a soaked diaper (see Monday's post for explanation) — hops and howls across the cold pavement of the driveway.
MR. P: My feet are COLD!!!! Ah ah AH AH! It's COLD! MOMMY, OPEN THE CAR DOOR! AAAAAH!!!! It's COLD!!!!!!!
MOMMY: [maintains placid silence]
12:30 PM — Driving away from school after picking up MR. PANTS.
MOMMY: We're going to stop for just a few minutes at Home Depot on the way home.
MR. P: NOOOOO!!! I DON'T WANT TO GO TO HOME DEPOT!!!!
MOMMY: [maintains placid silence]
MR. P: Can we go to the one with the car carts? Can we get one of the car carts?
MOMMY: We can get one of the car carts, but you have to share it with Shmoogie and if there are any problems between you and Shmoogie, we won't get a car cart the next time.
MR. P: OK!
12:40 PM — MOMMY wrangles the oversized shopping-cart-cum-double-steering-wheeled-car down the paint and stain aisle. MR. PANTS and SHMOOGIE are squishing and slapping each other, shrieking and crying.
MOMMY: That's three. Next time we won't get the car cart.
MR. P: [instant wailing] AAAAH!!!!!!! NEXT TIME WE WON'T GET THE CAR CART!!!! BUT I WAAAAANT THE CAR CART!!!!!!! I JUST WANT TO AAAAALWAYS HAVE THE CAR CART!!!!! AAAAAH!!!!!!!!
MOMMY: [maintains placid silence]
MR. P: [shoves his sister particularly visciously while also denying her access to both steering wheels]
MOMMY: [hauls MR. P out of the cart; loses placid silence] Alright, we're NEVER coming here EVER AGAIN!
MR. P: AAAAAAAH!!!!! WE'RE NEVER COMING HERE EVER AGAIN!!!!! I'LL NEVER GET THE CAR CART EVER AGAIN!!!!! AAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!
MOMMY: [regains placid silence]
SHMOOGIE: [stands up in cart, holds out arms adorably, chin trembling] Mommy? Up? Up?
12:50 — MOMMY shoves the monstrous car cart into the check out line. MR. PANTS now commandeers the entire driver's cab while SHMOOGIE stands in the basket portion of the cart, contrary to many illustrated warnings and common sense.
MR. P: Can we get that snow globe that I saw with Santa and the deer? Mommy? Can we get that snow globe?
MOMMY: Not today, honey.
MR. P: But I really want it! Mommy? MOMMY!!! GO BACK!!!! MOMMY!!!! I WANT THAT SNOW GLOBE!!!! I WANT IT!!!! I REALLY REALLY REALLY WANT IT!!!!!!
MOMMY: [maintains placid silence]
MR. P: IF I DON'T GET IT TODAY THEN SOME OTHER BOY OR GIRL IS GOING TO BUY IT AND TAKE IT HOME AND PLAY WITH IT AND THEN IT WON'T BE HERE ANYMORE AND THEN I CAN'T EVER HAVE IT EVER AGAIN!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I REALLY REALLY WAAAAAANT IT!!!!!!!! I WANT THAT SNOW GLOBE!!!!! MOMMY! MOMMY, GO BACK!!! GO GET THAT SNOW GLOBE!!!!! AAAAAAAH!!!!!
12:55 PM — The parking lot. MR. PANTS is beginning to recover himself, now wants to know why the snow globe cannot be purchased today.
MOMMY: Well, there are a few reasons that we're not getting the snow globe today. Can you think of what they might be?
MR. P: [tremulously] Because it wasn't on our list?
MOMMY: That's one reason, that's true. Can you think of any other reasons?
MR. P: [stumped silence] Can we put it on our list for next time?